He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
