So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
