apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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