Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
