Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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