why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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