i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he thought i was a dude.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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