Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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