Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
