New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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