Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
