Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
