is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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