3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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