So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
