this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
