just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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