At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
