i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
