dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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