I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
