____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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