every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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