she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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