apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
