somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do vagina's smell?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize