today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
