The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize