We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
