My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
