How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
