He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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