Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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