there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Randomize
