Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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