i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
