I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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