all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize