we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
