Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
