You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
try to milk me bitch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
