do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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