So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
