I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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