Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
