We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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