Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
