I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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