When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
