OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
