Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
