Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i love accidental penises.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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