he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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