Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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