She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
