We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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