Pappa wants mamma naked
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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