Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
