when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can you bring me the toilet please
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
