I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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